Divine Desert Union
by Kypris
April 15th, 2009
I am in the desert, about to enter into a day of divine union practice with my partner. About to dive into the ultimate sacred sexual ceremony. About to enter deeply into ecstatic sexual communion with my beloved. About to become the Goddess, opening to oneness with God through my lover and the ecstasy and power and love we would create.
The weather is windy and sunny and warm, and I feel relieved to be back in my most sacred space. The desert is the place I feel most at home. I am more comfortable and alive in the desert than in my own room in the city in my own bed. The quiet is like a song that nature sings, that I must come fully present to hear. I love the peacefulness, the absence of people, the way I can hear the wings of the ravens beating when they fly overhead. I love the way I can see for miles across the dry lake bed. I love the morteros and petroglyphs nearby and the knowing that I am on ground that has been inhabited and held sacred for centuries. I love the game of gazing at the clouds and rocks and seeing patterns in their shapes. I love the heat, the way the sun shines on me relentlessly most days, warming me until I unfold like a flower. At night the stars sing to me, beckon me, and I gaze at them sometimes until I can no longer hold my eyes open, drifting off watching meteors streak the sky. I feel relaxed, loved, held, open.
The desert seems to welcome me, and I remember all the magickal things that have happened here. I remember the time a coyote gave me a freshly killed red-tailed hawk. I remember the time Spirit yanked me out of bed one morning and marched me across the lakebed into rocky hills, leading me to a perfectly preserved deer skull with antlers. The desert is my drug of choice. I feel relaxed, peaceful, powerful, magickal here.
Today I begin my day with meditation in the van I slept in, keeping out the cold and winds of the night before. There is a sacred circle of rocks placed all around our campsite, and I feel the presence of the guardians at each direction, Serpent, Jaguar, Hummingbird, Eagle/Condor. I feel the circle around me, creating a container of safety and peace within the desert, creating a space for the ceremony I am about to dive into with my lover. Over the many years I have been coming to this valley in the desert, my sacred circle has always been empty and waiting for me, like an expectant lover. Every time I arrive, I am so grateful to fall into this space, so glad that is here and open for me.
But despite all this, today I’m not feeling very Goddess-like. I’m scared.
It’s a fear that’s in my bones. Not simple nervousness. It’s a fear that maybe too much will be revealed. Maybe this time is the time I will be split open by God and fall into madness, unable to confront myself. I feel puzzled because I’ve been planning this day for two months. But I’m afraid of opening to my lover, afraid of being vulnerable for an entire 8 hours. I reach inside and hold this part of me that’s feeling scared as a mother would hold a child. I comfort myself and ask what is wrong. Slowly my inner self tells me that I am afraid because I am still holding on to the past, to old hurts I’ve felt with my lover. Even though those things have been discussed, processed, and duly released months before, I still have some releasing to do. I’m still hanging on to being a victim. And I’m scared that there is more hurt to come, scared of opening and then feeling the pain of loss and abandonment again that I felt in the past.
I tell my lover how I am feeling and he agrees to hold space for me, to begin our ritual with talking about my fears and sadness. In that space he shares with me that he too feels frightened, but about other things. My heart starts to melt, I see the vulnerable child in him, and I feel so compassionate for who and what he is. The magick has already begun. I feel Spirit come in, helping, supporting, and I start to surrender to all of it, the ceremony, the feelings, the plan that Spirit has for this sacred time. My lover brushes my hair. I am lying on a soft mattress with the desert sun shining into the van and the breeze blowing over my naked skin. How thirsty my skin has been for that breeze! How hungry my scalp has been for the tingling of the brush, wielded by someone else. I sink into the pampering of it, letting myself open more, relax more, soften more. I fall into love with my lover again, and I feel again all the love that I felt for him when we first met, only it’s bigger, richer, intermingled with all kinds of flavors and spices that our lives together have created between us. Before I know it, he is between my legs, pleasuring me, and I flow into pleasure, my yoni opening, my juices flowing, my sexual arousal becoming a slow and gentle fire inside me. I worship his lingam when I have had enough pleasure, feeling the taste and aliveness of him, the smell of him, in all of my being. I open even more, wanting to take him in, to receive not only his semen but his essence, his soul, into me.
And then I am climbing up his body, he is sitting up to meet me, and we are in yabyum, me sitting in his lap. Now I start to feel the fear again, as we get more intimate, as I become more aroused, as I try to open. I feel both joy and fear at once. I try to relax into the joy, to let go of my inhibitions, telling myself it will all be okay. And for a time it is. He enters me and we rock together, barely moving, and I feel him pulse inside me whenever I squeeze my yoni. I open and allow him to go deeper. I let go and ejaculate, several times. I am trusting as much as I can. surrendering as much as possible. I feel good, and wonder if my fears will stay dissolved or if they will return as we go deeper. We pause and my lover feeds me, placing strawberries and chocolates on my lips, I do the same, feeding him, grateful to him for the opening and ecstasy I already feel.
We come together again, and now he is more passionate, asking me to breathe with him, and we are connecting even more deeply, connecting not only my yoni and his lingam, but then our bellies, then our stomachs, then our chests, pressing against each other and breathing. I am struggling to stay with him, to be present. My mind wanders, I am afraid! I try to fall asleep while we are making love, I yawn, I feel bored. I have hit a wall. I can’t go deeper, I can’t breathe with him, I don’t want to do this anymore! I am afraid! Gently, he holds me, breathes, waits for me to return from wherever it is I keep disappearing to. I start to watch myself vanish. I am amazed. I thought my lover was the one who was running away, emotionally, but all this time it’s been me. I see that as we continue, I feel Spirit holding me and comforting me. Right now all of me is a little child, and I need comfort.
We rest and shift, moving into more traditional lovemaking, drawing back a little from this depth that is too much for me. And slowly I watch myself come back to life. My lover makes love to me with determination now, dropping with me into a place that is purely sensual, feeling just the delight of our bodies. He makes love to me with tenderness, and I see tears in his eyes, and feel them in my own. I feel so much love for him. And then we are diving into passion again, intensity, and this time it is a forest fire. It feels like all the desert has rushed into me and into our union, and we have become like two powerful gods, mixing the elements that created the world with our lovemaking. We climax together, sending our sexual energy out and up for our healing and to feed the desert and the Gods.
And then I feel gentleness, a soft gentle place as the passion wave withdraws, and I am spent. I am satiated, I am complete, I am done. I feel my lover’s arms around me and for a while I drift off to sleep. When I wake, I feel pulled to get up and out of the van, to stand under the open sky. It is colder now, and I bundle up in layers of fleece and wool and faux fur. I sit and look at the sky, as the sun slowly begins to set.
And then the miracle happens. As I look up, I see a huge cloud turned orange and pink by the setting sun. The cloud is perfectly shaped like an Eagle, like the thunderbird of legend. I feel blessed and awed by this gift of spirit, what feels truly like a sign, an acknowledgment of our ritual, of the energy that we sent out to the world. I begin to cry and feel excited like a little girl at the circus. All at once. And I know that this union is not only with my lover, but with the desert below me, and the sky above me. I am one with everything. For days afterward I feel the peace, passion and joy of this place and this new miracle.
Namaste,
Kypris
The weather is windy and sunny and warm, and I feel relieved to be back in my most sacred space. The desert is the place I feel most at home. I am more comfortable and alive in the desert than in my own room in the city in my own bed. The quiet is like a song that nature sings, that I must come fully present to hear. I love the peacefulness, the absence of people, the way I can hear the wings of the ravens beating when they fly overhead. I love the way I can see for miles across the dry lake bed. I love the morteros and petroglyphs nearby and the knowing that I am on ground that has been inhabited and held sacred for centuries. I love the game of gazing at the clouds and rocks and seeing patterns in their shapes. I love the heat, the way the sun shines on me relentlessly most days, warming me until I unfold like a flower. At night the stars sing to me, beckon me, and I gaze at them sometimes until I can no longer hold my eyes open, drifting off watching meteors streak the sky. I feel relaxed, loved, held, open. The desert seems to welcome me, and I remember all the magickal things that have happened here. I remember the time a coyote gave me a freshly killed red-tailed hawk. I remember the time Spirit yanked me out of bed one morning and marched me across the lakebed into rocky hills, leading me to a perfectly preserved deer skull with antlers. The desert is my drug of choice. I feel relaxed, peaceful, powerful, magickal here.
Today I begin my day with meditation in the van I slept in, keeping out the cold and winds of the night before. There is a sacred circle of rocks placed all around our campsite, and I feel the presence of the guardians at each direction, Serpent, Jaguar, Hummingbird, Eagle/Condor. I feel the circle around me, creating a container of safety and peace within the desert, creating a space for the ceremony I am about to dive into with my lover. Over the many years I have been coming to this valley in the desert, my sacred circle has always been empty and waiting for me, like an expectant lover. Every time I arrive, I am so grateful to fall into this space, so glad that is here and open for me.
But despite all this, today I’m not feeling very Goddess-like. I’m scared.
It’s a fear that’s in my bones. Not simple nervousness. It’s a fear that maybe too much will be revealed. Maybe this time is the time I will be split open by God and fall into madness, unable to confront myself. I feel puzzled because I’ve been planning this day for two months. But I’m afraid of opening to my lover, afraid of being vulnerable for an entire 8 hours. I reach inside and hold this part of me that’s feeling scared as a mother would hold a child. I comfort myself and ask what is wrong. Slowly my inner self tells me that I am afraid because I am still holding on to the past, to old hurts I’ve felt with my lover. Even though those things have been discussed, processed, and duly released months before, I still have some releasing to do. I’m still hanging on to being a victim. And I’m scared that there is more hurt to come, scared of opening and then feeling the pain of loss and abandonment again that I felt in the past.
I tell my lover how I am feeling and he agrees to hold space for me, to begin our ritual with talking about my fears and sadness. In that space he shares with me that he too feels frightened, but about other things. My heart starts to melt, I see the vulnerable child in him, and I feel so compassionate for who and what he is. The magick has already begun. I feel Spirit come in, helping, supporting, and I start to surrender to all of it, the ceremony, the feelings, the plan that Spirit has for this sacred time. My lover brushes my hair. I am lying on a soft mattress with the desert sun shining into the van and the breeze blowing over my naked skin. How thirsty my skin has been for that breeze! How hungry my scalp has been for the tingling of the brush, wielded by someone else. I sink into the pampering of it, letting myself open more, relax more, soften more. I fall into love with my lover again, and I feel again all the love that I felt for him when we first met, only it’s bigger, richer, intermingled with all kinds of flavors and spices that our lives together have created between us. Before I know it, he is between my legs, pleasuring me, and I flow into pleasure, my yoni opening, my juices flowing, my sexual arousal becoming a slow and gentle fire inside me. I worship his lingam when I have had enough pleasure, feeling the taste and aliveness of him, the smell of him, in all of my being. I open even more, wanting to take him in, to receive not only his semen but his essence, his soul, into me.
And then I am climbing up his body, he is sitting up to meet me, and we are in yabyum, me sitting in his lap. Now I start to feel the fear again, as we get more intimate, as I become more aroused, as I try to open. I feel both joy and fear at once. I try to relax into the joy, to let go of my inhibitions, telling myself it will all be okay. And for a time it is. He enters me and we rock together, barely moving, and I feel him pulse inside me whenever I squeeze my yoni. I open and allow him to go deeper. I let go and ejaculate, several times. I am trusting as much as I can. surrendering as much as possible. I feel good, and wonder if my fears will stay dissolved or if they will return as we go deeper. We pause and my lover feeds me, placing strawberries and chocolates on my lips, I do the same, feeding him, grateful to him for the opening and ecstasy I already feel.
We come together again, and now he is more passionate, asking me to breathe with him, and we are connecting even more deeply, connecting not only my yoni and his lingam, but then our bellies, then our stomachs, then our chests, pressing against each other and breathing. I am struggling to stay with him, to be present. My mind wanders, I am afraid! I try to fall asleep while we are making love, I yawn, I feel bored. I have hit a wall. I can’t go deeper, I can’t breathe with him, I don’t want to do this anymore! I am afraid! Gently, he holds me, breathes, waits for me to return from wherever it is I keep disappearing to. I start to watch myself vanish. I am amazed. I thought my lover was the one who was running away, emotionally, but all this time it’s been me. I see that as we continue, I feel Spirit holding me and comforting me. Right now all of me is a little child, and I need comfort.
We rest and shift, moving into more traditional lovemaking, drawing back a little from this depth that is too much for me. And slowly I watch myself come back to life. My lover makes love to me with determination now, dropping with me into a place that is purely sensual, feeling just the delight of our bodies. He makes love to me with tenderness, and I see tears in his eyes, and feel them in my own. I feel so much love for him. And then we are diving into passion again, intensity, and this time it is a forest fire. It feels like all the desert has rushed into me and into our union, and we have become like two powerful gods, mixing the elements that created the world with our lovemaking. We climax together, sending our sexual energy out and up for our healing and to feed the desert and the Gods.
And then I feel gentleness, a soft gentle place as the passion wave withdraws, and I am spent. I am satiated, I am complete, I am done. I feel my lover’s arms around me and for a while I drift off to sleep. When I wake, I feel pulled to get up and out of the van, to stand under the open sky. It is colder now, and I bundle up in layers of fleece and wool and faux fur. I sit and look at the sky, as the sun slowly begins to set.
And then the miracle happens. As I look up, I see a huge cloud turned orange and pink by the setting sun. The cloud is perfectly shaped like an Eagle, like the thunderbird of legend. I feel blessed and awed by this gift of spirit, what feels truly like a sign, an acknowledgment of our ritual, of the energy that we sent out to the world. I begin to cry and feel excited like a little girl at the circus. All at once. And I know that this union is not only with my lover, but with the desert below me, and the sky above me. I am one with everything. For days afterward I feel the peace, passion and joy of this place and this new miracle.
Namaste,
Kypris
Kypris, Dakini and Shamanic Tantra Teacher holds a master’s degree in Biology, as well as a master’s degree in Counseling Psychology, and is an initiated HeartWisdom Tantric Priestess. She is the author of “Journey to Sexual Wholeness, The Six Gateways to Tantric Sexuality”.
Yabyummy is a teaching temple that provides a tantric path to gain sexual wholeness through breathwork, visualization, and tantric massage. We are committed to unifying sexuality with spirituality and spirituality with sexuality for growth minded men, women and couples.
